What the Hell is an atheist audio bible?

I’m glad you asked! An atheist audio bible is simply the text of the King James bible, read to you as literature by a voice over artist that is a true believer. For instance, I believe that…

• The bible is man-made literature.
• Creepy religious people ruin “the good book” for ordinary folk.
• Proselytizing is always annoying, and often offensive.
• There are just too many bizarre, silly, sad, and outrageous passages in the bible to be passed up by atheists. After all…
• The bible does not belong to the religious.

With all that in mind, it my purpose here to simply produce these books of the bible as I produce any of my audiobooks (which, shameless plug, you can check out at World Classic Audiobooks). That is, I will generally give it as neutral a read as possible, giving it just enough energy to keep you from falling asleep, without interjecting my personality too much. But don’t be surprised if you hear a giggle or gasp here and there (or, in the case of II John, getting a bit silly).

After all, it’s only human to react that way.

What’s my position on organized religion?

While there are plenty of nuances, my general attitude it “to each his own, …in his or her own home, or his or her own church.” Admittedly, I do admire that the church is able to congregate neighborhoods for an hour or two every week, and ostensibly focus on doing good. Of course, it’s also hard to stomach that such a large swath of the public is classifiably insane – I mean, what else can you call grown-ups that have an imaginary friend, and willingly twist themselves into awkward pretzels to invent a logic that supports their bizarre supernatural claims?

Okay, I’m being mean. But still.

There’s nothing that infuriates me more than the arrogance of those who proselytize, especially those who swoop upon children when their parents are not at home, or those who have the audacity to approach those on their death beds and “turn them.” How would pious parents feel if organized atheists rang their door and spoke to their children when they were at work? How would a dying believer feel if a young, confident soul approached their death bed and urged them to have a little dignity before they died by giving up their fast-held fairy tales? You get the picture. The double standard is sickening.

But. I might as well admit it.

Fact is, this whole project was inspired by a knock on the door last year. I stirred and stumbled to the foyer, all bleary-eyed and pigeon-haired. And to encounter two godawful missionaries with blank eyes and blaring smiles, anxious to discuss Jesus – before I’d even gotten to my damned coffee – made me feel like a dog being shown a card trick. I couldn’t find my tongue, and declined with a grunt and a wave of the hand. They peeked past me and asked if there was anyone else in the household that would like to discuss Jesus, and I informed them I was alone.

They left. I had my coffee and woke up a bit.

As the minutes passed, my gorge did rise. I was filled with such bile and bluster that I had let them get away, that they would never know the cruel injustice they hath done unto me… that I… that I…

Well, I guess I found my tongue. Enjoy.

-Ryan James

Which hey, a little tidbit – did you know that Ryan is a Gaelic name meaning “little King?” Therefore, this audio bible is proudly presented to you, as if by divine decree, by..

Little King James